Monday! It has been so Monday up in here it’s stupid. The house is dirty, I have work that I would like to avoid, and new medical bills I did not know existed have magically landed in our mailbox. Being an adult is not the raw cookie dough & ice cream party I imagined it to be. It’s fine.
Last week brought my first car accident ever (am fine! wasn’t my fault!), and I have been trying to call the insurance company to figure out that mess. Also, that entire sentence just bored me to death. Anyway, I thought I’d do what I do best when I am trying to avoid responsibilities/emotionally overwhelmed, and write a sarcastic compilation of advice I have received via the internet and unsolicited comments on How to Get Pregnant. Note: Exaggerated Sarcasm. Extra Note: Not Pregnant. All the Notes: I am JOKING please don’t come at me.
- Start taking prenatal vitamins 300 months before you expect to get pregnant, otherwise you are already a crap mom and you shouldn’t even try.
- Eat green vegetables and lean protein and no carbs and never sugar and don’t even look at wine or coffee.
- Also, re: #2, remember that you shouldn’t be having wine or coffee once preg anyway so if you stop now you can feed your ego about how disciplined you are while simultaneously projecting your emotions from the fallout of not having wine or coffee onto unsuspecting strangers and loved ones. This practice will allow you to hate everything even more until pregnancy hormones set in and all hell breaks loose.
- Make sure you get pregnant before 30 because after that all your eggs die a fiery death and you can basically forget motherhood.
- Don’t get pregnant until after you are 30 when you are more emotionally ready and more financially stable. LOLOLOLOLOLLLLL.
- Stay in bed for 6 days after sex in order to ensure conception.
- Do a choreographed Zumba dance 3 days before ovulation if you want it to be a girl.
- Eat only potatoes and do a cart-wheel one day after ovulation if you want it to be a boy.
- Don’t exercise too much you might throw off your cycle and not ovulate.
- Exercise everyday or else you will die of obesity and getting pregnant will be the least of your problems.
- Take these six pills at the same time daily in order to ovulate and potentially get pregnant.
- PS: side effects of these pills are: bloating, constipation, diarrhea, breathing fire, craving mashed potatoes, enlarged ovaries, risk of multiples, headaches, irrational online shopping, cramps, crying about nothing.
- Use ovulation test sticks every day, multiple times a day but only after you’ve held it long enough and probably not first thing in the morning, and maybe not after drinking too much liquid.
- Once you get a positive ovulation test it’s already too late and you probably missed your fertile window so better luck next time, sister.
- Don’t let your dude put a computer near his junk lest it zap all of his sperm and leave you up s*^! creek.
- Use our app to track your fertility and spend 65 hours a day in online forums to see if your symptoms are similar to others during the two-week wait. Reading other symptoms will make you feel more pregnant by the minute.
- Reading pregnancy symptoms increases your chance of conception by 0%. Only a positive pregnancy test can confirm pregnancy so stop symptom spotting.
- Sometimes pregnancy tests are wrong and you could still be pregnant so maybe that 10 pm burrito is not a food baby. Definitely email your doctor at midnight to confirm suspicions.
- Rub essential oils all over your body and attend an acupuncture session after drinking herbal tea and doing yoga.
- Don’t ever participate in any of the above because they are satan-conjuring devil worship and your baby will be cursed.
- Give a lot of money to fertility doctors for medicine and monitoring and extra injections to help you get pregnant even if your insurance won’t cover it.
- No matter how expensive the fertility docs medicine is you still have about the same statistical chance of getting pregnant, so don’t even try the fertility doctor.
- Never go near gluten, it will kill you even if you breathe on it.
- Gluten is good for you if you don’t have Celiac Disease, it increases your fertility.
- A high fat/high protein diet is the fastest way to get pregnant. As soon as you start a Whole30 and announce it via the internet you will be pregnant.
- Stop eating animals and become vegan because it will reverse all of your diseases and you will conceive immediately due to your woke-ness.
- Do all of the above at the same time, if you want to increase your chances of conceiving.
- Don’t think about getting pregnant at all ever and it will magically happen, defying all science, biology, and facts.
Was that helpful??? This is basically how Steve and I feel every time we look up ways to increase or help fertility. I am sure everyone who has ever tried to get pregnant will know the level of conflicting advice is unreal. It has been increasingly frustrating to approach, but I am trying to be lighthearted, because ultimately all I can do is my best. The rest of my trust I put in God, in his infinite wisdom and perfect timing.
I hope this brought a little laughter to your Monday. Let me know if you’ve ever had any crazy or unsolicited advice about trying to get pregnant, I’d love to hear it.