National Infertility Awareness Week: What I've Learned in 5 Years Trying to Conceive

This week in April is National Infertility Awareness Week. I know I've shared parts of our story in previous posts, but I haven't really touched on everything it's taught me. For those who are new or unfamiliar, you can read any of my posts about infertility here in the family section. Today on the blog I am sharing what I've learned in these past 5 years trying to conceive.

As most of you long-time readers know, Steve and I have struggled down this road for some time. June will mark 5 years of marriage for us, and within that we've suffered through countless fertility treatments, tried all the natural remedies, experienced the joy of pregnancy and almost immediate heartbreak of miscarriage, and received countless graces in between. This entire process, while I wish it weren't part of my story, has taught me more about myself, my faith, and the man that I married than any other life experience to date. New and different lessons continue to unfold as time goes on, and I continually pray for the courage and strength to face them as they come.

Grief is Not Linear

There are so many times I wish that it were. Some things definitely get easier as I get through the "first year" experiences of them, like the due date of the baby we miscarried. Some things never get easier, like desiring a child and having no way to make it a reality besides continuing to trust God and do what I am able. Some moments of grief are so unexpected that I don't know how to handle them with grace and calm. Throughout this process I've learned that it's ok to know my own limits, to place boundaries on things that I might be a trigger for me, and to be honest with loved ones about where I am emotionally.

Spouses Grieve Differently

This is something that is a constant work in progress for me. I am so quick to think this experience is all on me or all about me, but I know it hurts Steve just as much, even if we express it in different ways. And in addition to making space for individual grieving, we pray together, and ask for Hope to intercede, and read resources and talk openly about our individual experiences. He is by far the better communicator and empathizer, but he is teaching me so much, and I am so grateful to have him as a partner.

It is Sometimes Lonely

I will be straight up honest in saying that this is lonely. I don't say it because I want your pity, I definitely do not, but because it's the truth. While I am always genuinely so, so happy to see baby announcements and births, I usually need time to process. I feel more alone as I get older, what with all the ticking of my biological clock. Watching people settle into next steps like Marriage, House, Baby sometimes makes me feel left behind. And as a woman, I often feel the sting of inadequacy at my inability to do the miraculous thing so inherent to women: bring new life into the world.

When I find myself slipping into tendencies of despair I try to offer it up. I think of the mom who would love to have my freedom and sleep schedule and general peace and quiet. If that doesn't work I spend time in prayer, and let myself work through my feelings (probably my least favorite thing of all time).

Support is Important

Having a supportive spouse, family, and friends has been so comforting to me. If you are in a similar position and don't have someone already, I would encourage you to find people you trust to walk with you down this road. Additionally, I know many for whom therapy has been a healing space for growth and support. I'm adding it to the To Do List of Appointments I Should've Made Already.

Telling Your Story is Important

For me this looks like sharing through my blog and social media. I want to be open about my struggle because I know there are many women out there facing similar battles. Maybe sharing on a public scale is not for you, and that is totally ok. Telling your story might look more like sharing with your best friend, or family member, or your spouse. Maybe it's through a Facebook group where most are strangers. Maybe it's in a church ministry or small group. Maybe it's just between you & God. However you feel seen and heard is valuable.

There is No Perfect Timeline

If you don't take anything else away from this blog take this: THERE IS NO PERFECT TIMELINE. (I am saying this to myself because I most need to hear it and believe it)

This isn't even related to infertility exclusively, but I've experienced this lie many times during our struggle to conceive. Would most of us love to be married and settled and have children and a house and our Dream Job and a savings account and be well-traveled but also down-to-earth and eating mostly organic by 30-ish? Sure. But that is rarely how it happens. Do not beat yourself up if this is not your reality.

Take it from me, a Youth Minister with a million side jobs who is childless still paying student loans and doesn't own a home; and my husband, an aspiring author who is also pursing his second Bachelor's in Nursing while being a cook at a local restaurant--- you are doing ok! You don't have to complete things on a specific timeline for them to be more valuable or worth celebrating! If you are accomplishing your goals at a younger age- amazing! If you don't hit your stride until later in life- amazing! Focus on the fact that every single day is an unexpected gift and an opportunity for adventure and joy. Even the shitty days.

It’s a great idea to write down your dreams, and pursue your goals, but don't berate yourself if it doesn't fall into place at the same time as those around you. Stop looking at them, it's not about them. It's about the unique story being written with your own life.

Your Life is Still Full of Meaning

I think our culture is very family-centric, which is so, so beautiful, but often leads me to thoughts of inadequacy. This is especially evident for me in specific situations and during various Holidays. This isn't me trying to take away from the importance of family, I think it is of the highest value. I'm only reiterating that my worth (and yours) is not dependent upon the ability to bear children. And to remind myself that me & Steve are a family, even if it looks different than others.

Your life is beautiful and valuable because it is YOURS, and we should all be striving to live fully alive no matter the circumstance. I spent a lot of time in the middle of our journey questioning my purpose and call, because it wasn't matching up with what I envisioned for my life. This way of thinking made me feel meaningless. I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing, if not being a mom. I didn't know how to better contribute to society or share my gifts and talents, because I could not see the inherent value in my life as it was, regardless of circumstance. When I shifted away from thinking my value was circumstantial and success-based, it gave me room to embrace who I really am: a beloved daughter of God.

God is Faithful

God is faithful through it all. That doesn't make this easier, and it doesn't mean he waves his magic wand (not a thing) and makes it all better. It means He is true to His promise that He is always with me, no matter what. Even when I don't "feel" like He is in with me, or if I can't make sense of our struggle, I have faith that He is leading and guiding me every step of the way.

You Are Not Alone

I know not everyone facing infertility is a person of faith, so parts of my experience may not resonate. This doesn't change the fact that infertility sucks. Be assured that I see you, and offer up my struggles for you, because we are all in this together.

No matter our individual life situations or circumstances, infertility is heartbreaking and raw. It's something I wish no one had to experience. But I'm standing in solidarity with you, sister. You are not alone.

You are unique, and beautiful, and your story is one of a kind.

xo,

Katie

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