The 15th of February marked one year since my Ovarian Wedge surgery that I wrote about here. It's been almost an entire year since I've written anything regarding infertility on my blog, so I thought I would give a little update for those following our journey.   Last March I wrote a brief post following my surgery, and then I basically kept silent about everything after. At first I wasn't intentionally letting it go, but then more time passed and not a whole lot was happening. Then I was in the midst of a lot of physical and emotional struggling, and I just didn't want to write. Now there's been significant time between everything and I feel ready to overshare again. SO, anyway. Here we are.

Last Spring

I sit in the hotel room with Steve on Valentine's Day, the night before our surgery, and whisper, hopefully, "maybe next Valentine's Day we will be pregnant."This might be my most used phrase of this entire journey: Maybe next time.Maybe next Thanksgiving, or birthday, or Sunday, or or or. There is always some momentous occasion to hitch our pregnancy announcement to. I even start to really reach for potential reasons it is justbetheperfecttiming like, "If we are pregnant next week, you know that is the anniversary of my neighbor's cat's pet mouse's mysterious death, which was traumatic for everyone, so really it would be a perfect time to share some uplifting news."Also, recovery feels like forever. Everything is fine, but I struggle to heal both physically and emotionally. I struggle with the hormones that most woman who don't have imbalances have dealt with monthly, since the beginning of time, forever.I think, "Honestly, poor Steve. He has no idea about the sometimes ragey/sometimes hyper woman that is going to take up residence in our house."In this time I have a literal meltdown over various important things such as:instagram stories, steve thinking I was eating his bag of m&ms (I was), the song Jesus Walks by Kanye West, any commercial with a puppy in it, Steve pulling up to the pizza place 15 minutes before our reservation and me insisting we drive around because we couldn't possibly go in until it was time, running out of coffee (I guess that's fair), etc.I also struggle with impatience, but stay hopeful that this is the thing that works. And in a way, it is. A regular cycle is happening for the first time in my entire life. ENTIRE LIFE. Coupled with the statistics, and many personal stories of people getting pregnant within 6 months, I am so hopeful.We don't use any ovulation-inducing meds during this time, because I want to let my hormones do their thing without added assistance. We do the number one thing people always advise me to do if I want to get pregnant, like, tomorrow: relax, and don't think about it, and let it happen. (surprisingly, no one suggests sex first. LOLOLOLLLL)

Summer/Fall

Months pass, and still no pregnancy despite the regular cycle. Steve and I continue to pray and discern our plan of action. Eventually we settle on giving it a full year before adding any ovulation meds back in. In the meantime we try all of the natural things, etc. This is in addition to following a fully vegan diet since the fall of 2016.In October I start Acupuncture, and promptly leave after my practitioner hits a nerve in my wrist. I'm hoping to find another practitioner once I heal, because I really do love everything else about it (besides the stabbing nerve pain). I keep tracking and keep getting my cycle, and keep being reminded how ANNOYING IT IS TO BE A WOMAN SOMETIMES.In November, I return for a follow up and learn the hyperplasia and endometritis found in surgery are gone! Praise the Lord for renewed hope. I go back to taking Metformin at my doctor's suggestion, and quit shortly after violent headaches and lack of energy prevent me from getting through a full day. (Metformin never worked for me before surgery either, so I wasn't sad to be finished with it. One less thing for me to remember to do at the end of the day.)We decide to distance ourselves emotionally from the idea of getting pregnant. Every time we say "maybe next time" it sets us up for so much disappointment and sadness, so we let it go. I begin to envision what my life might look like without  biological children. What would adoption or foster parenting look like? What would just the two of us look like?I struggle to switch my focus from waiting to be a mom anydaynow, to praying and accepting that I may never bear a child of my own. I don't know how to adequately compare it to anything, so I don't. I am still trying to wrap my mind and heart around this potential outcome.In December I contribute to the Blessed is She blog, sharing all about carrying the cross of infertility through the joyful season of Advent. The next day I go through what feels like a hangover, because I have not shared this much or this deeply on such a widespread level in... possibly ever. Steve and I decide to jump the gun on restarting ovulation meds and do a round in December. All the stuff I've worked to heal threatens to rear its ugly head, but I keep going.

Now

And here we are, right at the beginning of Lent. A season that feels more naturally bound to the struggle of infertility for me. But I am welcoming the opportunity to grow deeper in prayer, and listen to God's voice. I love this quote from a recent Blessed is She devotion, it so perfectly sums up what I want my posture of prayer to be this season:

What God really asks me to do is to rend my heart. He wants me to lean into the fissures deep within myself and to let Him into those most secret places. As I remember Jesus’ wounds throughout this season, I’m offered the gift to share my wounds back as well. // Brigid Hogan for Blessed is She

In addition to trying ovulation meds again, we are beginning to research other options like foster care and adoption. Although these things are a bit further in the future for us, I'm excited to learn as much as possible. If you have any adoption stories/blogs you've read, send them my way!Also, if you are struggling with a similar journey, you can always leave me a comment here or email hello@heykatie.co. I'd love to chat with you, and reassure you that you're not alone.Thanks for reading, friends.I hope it was as sunny, and warm, and beautiful where you were today as it was here.xo,Katie