I cannot believe I am sitting here, at my desk, hours away from taking the photos you see in the post right now, telling this story. I mean, I can believe it because I always hoped for it, but it is still very, very surreal. I shared a little background on Instagram Friday, which you can read right here. I wanted to share a fuller version of how we found out, how I'm feeling, and the reality of being pregnant after two losses.

A Little Background

I'm not sure if I ever talked about our second loss on an individual blog post, but we were pregnant for a second time in July of 2019, and also lost that baby to miscarriage a few weeks later. I wrote about it briefly on Instagram back in September but didn't have the energy to keep reliving it to say anything further.

Following our second loss our NFP doctor referred us to a reproductive endocrinologist. I was dealing with some other health issues at the time so we didn’t make an appointment our initial priority. Part of those issues included working with a neurologist, and in addition to other testing she generously ordered bloodwork to rule out clotting disorders. Praise the Lord it all came back negative, and it gave me more relief and more peace knowing our losses were likely chromosomal and inevitable. Not to say it made it any less heartbreaking, but it gave me hope that maybe we would have success in the future.

Summer is always insanely busy for both me & Steve, so we continued through the remainder without meeting with the RE. I think I was also putting it off because I was tired of having to try so hard. The first few years of marriage spent doing aggressive fertility treatments was exhausting, and I was not ready to go back. So we just kind of let it go & knew we’d come back to it when we felt ready.

How We Found Out

It was the end of October and I hadn't had a cycle since the end of September, so I was taking pregnancy tests with a hesitant sense of hope. But I also knew I hadn't ovulated yet, so I was mostly chalking it up to my body trying to get back to normal after our miscarriage. I continued to test for ovulation and pregnancy until I left for my trip to Ireland in November. I also brought my big ole bag of cheap tests from Amazon to Ireland, and tried concealing them in the trash can every time I checked. They were always negative, but I kept testing & taking progesterone just in case.

I returned home Wednesday the 13th, and still my tests were negative, and still no cycle, and I was running out of sticks. I used my last one that Thursday, still negative, and ordered more on Amazon because I was on a mission.

On Sunday I attended a celebration with my dad's side of the family for my Aunt's anniversary as a religious sister. A few of my cousins are pregnant and due in May, and it was so nice to sit and hear their stories of how they found out, and how they were feeling. I came home and told Steve how happy I was, and how much I looked forward to our time to celebrate. Often times those conversations leave me feeling a sense of emptiness & otherness, but I really just felt peace. I also came home to find my amazon delivery of All The Pregnancy Tests on Earth and I secretly took them to the bathroom while Steve studied.

Positive.

So crazy, but also so confirming. And since one is never enough confirmation I took another one. Also very positive. It took me a few minutes to figure how I was going to say it to Steve. As much as I wanted to be cute and creative, after two losses I just didn't want to wait to share. And Steve would rather know right away than wait for some elaborate announcement. So I calmly opened the bathroom door and said,

"You want to know the craziest part about our whole conversation and my cousin's being pregnant?”

and he said, without looking up from his book,

"Yeah?"

and I, with the calmest most chill of demeanors, said,

"We're pregnant, too."

I think he stopped breathing for a moment. “Are you kidding me?"

And then we rejoiced.

Pregnancy After Loss

In my previous two pregnancies, I was terrified and anxious the entire time. I had very little if any time to be joyful, because with every rush of excitement came more bloodwork bearing bad news.

This time I have felt an overwhelming peace that I cannot explain. We decided against doing a million rounds of initial bloodwork and just waited. I had my first appointment mid-December, and our first ultrasound on New Year's Eve. I cannot put into words how it felt to see that little baby wiggling around on the screen, to hear its heartbeat for the first time. It was one of the greatest moments of my entire life. And I felt it all over again this past Thursday at our 13-week scan. What a gift.

There are definitely moments where I worry or wonder if this will be the baby I get to hold— I know there are no guarantees. But I’m grateful these anxieties are few & far between. The reality of only knowing loss, or knowing loss in any form, makes it hard to have a totally blissful pregnancy. I know this will be true for this pregnancy, and for the future. But I’m trying my best to hold on to all the peace and joy and grace in these days. And when we have rough moments, Steve & I speak openly & honestly about our emotions without letting them rule us. Also, most of my energy has been spent gagging & vomiting all around town, so there’s that as a distraction.

I found this online recently and it has also been a huge help in navigating all the emotions of being pregnant after years of infertility & multiple losses.

How I’m Feeling

We first found out when I was about 3 weeks pregnant, so I’ll go from there.

Weeks 3-5: my symptoms mostly consist of mild cramps, allergies here a there, bloating, and feeling blah.

Weeks 5-9: this is when symptoms started to pick up. Nausea, gagging, cramps, indigestion (!!!), the works. I threw up for the first time around week six, but it was mostly me hating all foods and avoiding everything because of nausea. I also gagged (and still do!) on plain water so I started having electrolyte drinks and juices to keep my fluids up.

Weeks 10-12: my personal hell. Most symptoms started to subside, but this was the peak of my nausea/vomiting. Some days I only got sick once, other days I couldn’t keep anything down. And it was always during the evening for me. Every night almost without fail 9pm would roll around & body would say, “you know what sounds super fun right now? The toilet.”

Weeks 13-now: I’ll be 14 weeks on Thursday and while it’s been much better, I still feel blah overall. I’ve napped more than I have my entire life. Most foods still don’t appeal to me, but I’m also constantly starving, and I had a tension headache everyday from Thursday-Sunday. Today it seems to be gone, praise the Lord. I’ve also only thrown up once this week so that feels like a win!

If you made it this far you are a true friend. Thought I’d share a few more photos from our announcement while I have you. Our sweet friend Erin took these for us, and yes, the beach in January is the absolute wind tunnel igloo nightmare you’d imagine it would be. enjoy.

xo

Katie